Drinking: Fruit Punch
... This is going to be a long journal of confessions, feelings, and honest opinions that might either be ignored all together or people would hate me for it/take the wrong way. Before I say anything else, I want to make a couple of things clear:
1) This has been bothering me ever since last year, so I need to get this off my chest.
2) I am a very emotional person, so right now, I'm in tears, so please bare with me on this.
3) Before you say that "I'm a selfish/self-centered person only thinking about myself" or "I'm doing this because I want you to feel pity towards me", "I'm this stupid weirdo" or even "I'm using my disability as an excuse", I ask you to please get out. For years, I've been holding in my anger, my opinions on people, and my problems, so now that I'm slowly accepting myself as a person, I want MY opinions to be heard!
With that in mind... I'll start with the main confession:
Yesterday (while I was going through a massive headache), a couple of my friends wrote down "MCF Confessions" where they reflected on their OCs, their writing at the time, and how they were glad that the MCF finished when it did. It made me remember everything and it took me a while to process it.
First, about Jessy... the only two things I regret about MCF Jessy as a character was:
1) Her relationships with the Vore Gang. (More particularly Twoey and Oogie for personal reasons)
2) That I was letting others write her character/backstory. With that, it's sort of borderline because in some cases, I liked what some of my friends came up with for Jessy while in other cases, I didn't. Now that I think about it, this reason was probably why Jessy "failed" (failed is too strong a word) as a character.
Other than those two reasons, I'm proud of what I had for Jessy at the time.
Looking back to my writing, I was the dark oddball out of the group. While most of my friends would write adventure/friendship/fluff, I was the one who was writing dark/angst/philosophical stuff mixed with comedy/friendship, and monsters/vore. Back then, I felt like an outcast for it. I written down many ideas for OCs, plans, etc. but felt self-conscious about it, so I didn't share it with the group or I didn't develop them enough. I felt rushed, out of the loop, and forced into something I had no idea about.
Now for the main conflict: The break up. I'm finally going to say it: ... The MCF breaking up almost destroyed me as both a person and a writer.
Here's what kind of a person I am:
1) I internalize my negativity and emotions, saying that I could handle it when I can't. I also don't want to worry people.
2) I was taught to be a loving, compassionate person, so I'm very emotional and I take things to heart.
3) It's difficult for me to be assertive and say "No" to people because I don't want to upset or disappoint them.
4) Years of being bullied, judged, and ridiculed in school and on the internet made me self-conscious of what others think of me.
5) My greatest fear is being alone in the world with no friends and family.
So when everything ended, I was devastated. I cried, screamed, and blamed myself. I wanted to scream at my friends and just forget everything. I felt like all of my ideas were all for nothing and I failed as a writer and a friend. Although I'm still friends with people, to me it doesn't feel the same. Even now, I'm nervous about sharing ideas with my friends. Don't worry. I'm slowly taking it one step at a time and I was always nervous about what others thought since the beginning. I still feel that I'm the most sinful and selfish person in the world because I feel this way and that I'm different from my peers...
.... But looking back and getting inspiration from my writing courses in college, relaxation, and media, I found out:
1) It's okay to feel this way.
2) It's okay to be different.
3) Before you worry about others, you have to take care of yourself first.
4) No one should tell you how to write. You could agree with the person or disagree. In the end, only you decide what works for you as a writer no matter what people say.
5) You have to be able to enjoy what you are writing.
Does that mean everything will be back to normal soon/right away? No. For me, it'll take a while for me to step up and make that change. Does it mean I hate my friends in any way? No. I love all of my friends with all my heart. You guys are the reason I keep going. The reason I keep writing. Were there moments/scenes/ideas I disliked? Yes. But I'm not going to flat-out hate them or condemn them. Yes, I admit it's Mary-Sue or whatever you'd call it, but it's a chance to look back at those mistakes to not repeat them and the good qualities you liked in the past.
I just want to write what I want to write and take my time doing it. At this point, I don't care if I'm the giant crabby monster by the end of this.
Not that this is out of the way, I finally confess two last things.
One, concerning roleplays... I'm honestly tired of people saying whether it's open or closed or judging me. I'll try to find time later and clean out those I'm not doing and I'm replying at my own pace and my own time. I'm not going to drop what I'm doing to force a roleplay out.
and Two, due to feeling defeated as a writer along with having Writer's Block for a VERY LONG TIME... I actually got myself a tumblr. Before you say anything, yes, it's probably a stupid move and it'll mess me up in the near future. BUT I felt like I needed it. I need to develop my ideas, my novels, my artwork... start fresh and work my way up. It does not mean that I'm abandoning this site AT ALL. I'm going to be on here and tumblr and actually work on a schedule for myself. Also, there are some artwork/stories/roleplays/etc. that would be exclusive to deviantArt and exclusive to tumblr.